The Bachelors' Club
Information about the Bachelors’ Club comes from The Day, an old Oxford Newspaper
January 2, 1891 -- The Bachelors’ Club was organized December 25, 1890, at the apartments of General Thomas Dutchville Waller. After the fifteen men gathered in “shades of night”, creeping stealthily to the meeting place, the door was locked and barred and the keyhole stuffed. Blankets screened the windows. General Walter Toothpick Clement was made temporary presiding officer and General William Tolu Meadows of Durham, stated the object of the meeting and explained the plan and purposes of a Bachelors’ Club. However, since all explanations are kept profound secrets, they could not be secured for publication. The emblem of the order is a padlock, the significance of which is “Our Hearts Locked Against the Wiles of Woman.” Officers were elected: General Thomas Dutchville Waller, president; General Augustus Souvenir Hall, vice-president; General Otis Swannanoa Smoot, secretary; and General Jedediah Franklin Edwards, treasurer. Charter members were: Generals Walter Toothpick Clement, Charles January Gregory, Haywood Discount White, Jimson Charles Thomas, Cameron Heliotrope Easton, Robert Jericho Daniel, Benjamin Fauntleroy Kronheimer, Franklin Bayrum Hays, Washington Dynamite Lynch, William Taxcollector Lyon, Jessamine Foster Rogers and Williamantic Thomas Lawrence. Mr. James Yam Paris was proposed for membership, but he admitted to be an admirer of the fair sex; that he was a very susceptible young man, and had been known to sing with touching pathos of “lily white hands” and sweet red lips,” and make treasonable remarks about the tender passion. He was fired out.
January 9, 1891 -- President General Thomas Dutchville Waller was dismissed from his position as he was seen casting admiring glances at a woman and further inquired of her name and residence. He was allowed to stay in the club only after acknowledging his guilt and promising never to do it again. General Augustus Souvenir Hall succeeded him as president and General Williamantic Thomas Lawrence was elected vice-president to fill Hall’s position.
January 10, 1891 -- Pricilla Newcombe wrote a letter to the editor denouncing the Bachelors’ Club and stating, “These poor deluded—well, I will say it—mean sons of Adam deserve the severest condemnation. Do they think they can live happily beyond the pale of female society? Don’t they know that a club of that kind, founded on selfishness and sustained by conceit, can never give them the haven their hearts desire? If they don’t know it they are very weak-minded, that is sure. The ladies of the city should be called together to give expression to their indignation. The members of the Bachelors’ Club ought to be punished—just how, I am not now prepared to say; but we can put our heads together and devise some way. They should suffer for the slight they have put upon us. We do not propose to submit to such treatment.
January 17, 1891 -- General Charles January Gregory was suspended from the Bachelors’ Club for six weeks for proposing a cabbage be adopted as the flower of the Bachelors’ Club. The president stated if the motion were adopted, all the women would call them cabbage heads and they would deserve it. General Jedediah Franklin Edwards proposed creating a tract to save those who were not members of the Bachelors’ Club from that awful noose of matrimony. He suggested the following contribution to the tract: “Woman—a rib in man’s side in the beginning; a thorn in his side ever since.” Other members added more examples and the president instructed General Otis Swannanoa Smoot, the secretary, to prepare the tract and have a million copies printed for free distribution over the United States. New members approved were: Charles Sunflower Easton, John Daguerreotype Brinkley, John Goober Hall, Luther Shoestring Russell, Bernhardt Evolution Parham and Simeon Hardware Smith.
January 24, 1891 -- Initiation Meeting: Each new member was put through initiation one at a time. The first victim for sacrifice had a huge padlock fastened around his neck, was blindfolded and had his hands tied securely. He was led to an inner chamber and the door was closed behind him. For a minute or more there was complete silence, then harmonica music playing. Presently an excited cry of many voices was heard, “charge, Chester, charge,” shouted the president; some hoofed animal rushed across the floor; the victim uttered a blood-curdling yell and there was the dull thud of a body falling heavily. After another silence, the president administered the oath. Something about a goat was mentioned, and butting and being above the level of ordinary men. New members approved were: John Boomer Booth, Entirely Original Billy Bransford, and Buttercup Gallagher Medford.
January 31, 1891 -- It was reported that a brigade of indignant women, headed by Miss Priscilla Newcombe, would raid the meeting of the Bachelors’ Club armed with kettles of boiling hot water. General Jedediah Franklin Edwards told the president he need not fear the enemy; that he would invent a contrivance to prevent them entering the room if they made the attempt. He got a section of stove pipe, plugged up one end, put a strong spring in it and loaded it up to the muzzle with a peck of flour and a pound of cayenne pepper. The spring was held shut by a wire which came through a hole in the top and had an iron ring attached to it. It was only necessary to give the ring a pull to release the spring and discharge the contents of the novel gun. Miss Priscilla Newcombe and her friends did not make an attack upon the knights of the padlock and the meeting was held without outside interruption. Toward the end of the meeting, Jedediah Franklin Edwards was asked to explain his invention. General Entirely Original Billy Bransford was extremely interested and peeped into the mouth of the gun. About that time the iron ring got caught on a button of General Jedediah Franklin Edward’s coat, a sudden movement gave the wire a pull and the infernal machine went off. A white cloud, wild cries, hurriedly moving men and some sulphurous remarks filled the room. The bachelors coughed and spit and rubbed their eyes and danced around the room. General Entirely Original Billy Bransford, getting the worst of the explosion, fell on the floor violently hitting his head and back. He would probably have kicked the bucket if General Washington Dynamite Lynch had not grabbed a pair of tongs and pulled a three pound lump of dough out of his mouth. Jedediah Franklin Edwards had escaped the angry mob and was heading home quickly.
February 14, 1891 -- New members approved were: Warwhoop Landis and Crawford Jumpup Cooper. Application for membership: James Extractor Wyche, Archibald Argumentative Hicks and Alexander Stateguard Lanier.
January 2, 1891 -- The Bachelors’ Club was organized December 25, 1890, at the apartments of General Thomas Dutchville Waller. After the fifteen men gathered in “shades of night”, creeping stealthily to the meeting place, the door was locked and barred and the keyhole stuffed. Blankets screened the windows. General Walter Toothpick Clement was made temporary presiding officer and General William Tolu Meadows of Durham, stated the object of the meeting and explained the plan and purposes of a Bachelors’ Club. However, since all explanations are kept profound secrets, they could not be secured for publication. The emblem of the order is a padlock, the significance of which is “Our Hearts Locked Against the Wiles of Woman.” Officers were elected: General Thomas Dutchville Waller, president; General Augustus Souvenir Hall, vice-president; General Otis Swannanoa Smoot, secretary; and General Jedediah Franklin Edwards, treasurer. Charter members were: Generals Walter Toothpick Clement, Charles January Gregory, Haywood Discount White, Jimson Charles Thomas, Cameron Heliotrope Easton, Robert Jericho Daniel, Benjamin Fauntleroy Kronheimer, Franklin Bayrum Hays, Washington Dynamite Lynch, William Taxcollector Lyon, Jessamine Foster Rogers and Williamantic Thomas Lawrence. Mr. James Yam Paris was proposed for membership, but he admitted to be an admirer of the fair sex; that he was a very susceptible young man, and had been known to sing with touching pathos of “lily white hands” and sweet red lips,” and make treasonable remarks about the tender passion. He was fired out.
January 9, 1891 -- President General Thomas Dutchville Waller was dismissed from his position as he was seen casting admiring glances at a woman and further inquired of her name and residence. He was allowed to stay in the club only after acknowledging his guilt and promising never to do it again. General Augustus Souvenir Hall succeeded him as president and General Williamantic Thomas Lawrence was elected vice-president to fill Hall’s position.
January 10, 1891 -- Pricilla Newcombe wrote a letter to the editor denouncing the Bachelors’ Club and stating, “These poor deluded—well, I will say it—mean sons of Adam deserve the severest condemnation. Do they think they can live happily beyond the pale of female society? Don’t they know that a club of that kind, founded on selfishness and sustained by conceit, can never give them the haven their hearts desire? If they don’t know it they are very weak-minded, that is sure. The ladies of the city should be called together to give expression to their indignation. The members of the Bachelors’ Club ought to be punished—just how, I am not now prepared to say; but we can put our heads together and devise some way. They should suffer for the slight they have put upon us. We do not propose to submit to such treatment.
January 17, 1891 -- General Charles January Gregory was suspended from the Bachelors’ Club for six weeks for proposing a cabbage be adopted as the flower of the Bachelors’ Club. The president stated if the motion were adopted, all the women would call them cabbage heads and they would deserve it. General Jedediah Franklin Edwards proposed creating a tract to save those who were not members of the Bachelors’ Club from that awful noose of matrimony. He suggested the following contribution to the tract: “Woman—a rib in man’s side in the beginning; a thorn in his side ever since.” Other members added more examples and the president instructed General Otis Swannanoa Smoot, the secretary, to prepare the tract and have a million copies printed for free distribution over the United States. New members approved were: Charles Sunflower Easton, John Daguerreotype Brinkley, John Goober Hall, Luther Shoestring Russell, Bernhardt Evolution Parham and Simeon Hardware Smith.
January 24, 1891 -- Initiation Meeting: Each new member was put through initiation one at a time. The first victim for sacrifice had a huge padlock fastened around his neck, was blindfolded and had his hands tied securely. He was led to an inner chamber and the door was closed behind him. For a minute or more there was complete silence, then harmonica music playing. Presently an excited cry of many voices was heard, “charge, Chester, charge,” shouted the president; some hoofed animal rushed across the floor; the victim uttered a blood-curdling yell and there was the dull thud of a body falling heavily. After another silence, the president administered the oath. Something about a goat was mentioned, and butting and being above the level of ordinary men. New members approved were: John Boomer Booth, Entirely Original Billy Bransford, and Buttercup Gallagher Medford.
January 31, 1891 -- It was reported that a brigade of indignant women, headed by Miss Priscilla Newcombe, would raid the meeting of the Bachelors’ Club armed with kettles of boiling hot water. General Jedediah Franklin Edwards told the president he need not fear the enemy; that he would invent a contrivance to prevent them entering the room if they made the attempt. He got a section of stove pipe, plugged up one end, put a strong spring in it and loaded it up to the muzzle with a peck of flour and a pound of cayenne pepper. The spring was held shut by a wire which came through a hole in the top and had an iron ring attached to it. It was only necessary to give the ring a pull to release the spring and discharge the contents of the novel gun. Miss Priscilla Newcombe and her friends did not make an attack upon the knights of the padlock and the meeting was held without outside interruption. Toward the end of the meeting, Jedediah Franklin Edwards was asked to explain his invention. General Entirely Original Billy Bransford was extremely interested and peeped into the mouth of the gun. About that time the iron ring got caught on a button of General Jedediah Franklin Edward’s coat, a sudden movement gave the wire a pull and the infernal machine went off. A white cloud, wild cries, hurriedly moving men and some sulphurous remarks filled the room. The bachelors coughed and spit and rubbed their eyes and danced around the room. General Entirely Original Billy Bransford, getting the worst of the explosion, fell on the floor violently hitting his head and back. He would probably have kicked the bucket if General Washington Dynamite Lynch had not grabbed a pair of tongs and pulled a three pound lump of dough out of his mouth. Jedediah Franklin Edwards had escaped the angry mob and was heading home quickly.
February 14, 1891 -- New members approved were: Warwhoop Landis and Crawford Jumpup Cooper. Application for membership: James Extractor Wyche, Archibald Argumentative Hicks and Alexander Stateguard Lanier.